Wednesday, 28 October 2020

I Just Want to See Her Float

I first met my dear friend, Catherine

just two short years ago

she haunts the internet café

and exists through the flow

 

of other people's adventures

watching them come and go

as if their ordinary lives

were the best tv show

 

she's a big fan of the telly

friends and mario kart

but controlling her own future

has become her lost art

 

she always claims to be happy

but I see right through her

and she can see through me as well

I can't stay forever

 

a life indoors is not for me

and I need more than this

but every time I leave her there

I feel something's amiss

 

I know her story inside out

as much as she will tell

and she knows me from start to end

we just get on so well

 

but whenever we disagree

it turns into a wreck

her anxiety holds my words

so tight around her neck

 

I just want her to be happy

but I'm making it worse

and the last thing I'd ever want

is to add to her curse

 

so I'm afraid to go back there

and talk to her again

but I'm such a mess without her

and I need my best friend

 

she is the most beautiful soul

and she had so much drive

but it's been such a long time now

since that girl was alive

 

and she has lost touch with her place

on the physical plane

I just keep trying to help her

to venture out again

 

because she's lived for far too long

all alone and afraid

and she keeps saying that she's fine

but I'm watching her fade

 

she's afraid of the noise these days

she's afraid of the lights

and she won't even consider

stepping out in the night

 

and it scares me to think about

how she passes the time

just staring out of the window

or devouring true crime

 

'cause she's so fucking clever

and she's far too well read

but there are days when she's clearly

just a little girl, dead

 

but I'm determined to save her

so I asked what to do

and a wise old woman told me

to step into her shoes

 

she said the line I've been taking

is extremely extreme

and there is no way that Catherine

can wade into that stream

 

so I have to guide her slowly

just one step to begin

I should just be there to help her

see that someday she'll swim

 

past years of neglect and trauma

and past all the abuse

because those instincts that once helped her

are no longer of use

 

she told me one night last summer

of the day that she died

when her whole world turned against her

and her gifts turned to lies

 

she says that she has forgotten

everything that once was

she says it was so long ago

but I still sense her loss

 

she had a community once

and a life of culture

she had courage, trust and all those

visions for the future

 

she enjoyed her life in the fields

helping to look after

her neighbours, brothers and her friends

with love and with laughter

 

and that girl is still there somewhere

I can see her shine through

when she sees the latest gadgets

or reads anything new

 

that smile is something to behold

lifts spirits any day

but I see it less and less now

and I want it to stay

 

I know she can come back because

she has handled so much

with grace and determination

all she needs is a crutch

 

I want to become that for her

so she can lean on me

and I just want to see her float

I want her to be free

 

at last, I know what I should do

I'll go over tonight

I'll craft a gift to remind her

and explain myself right

 

I won't push her, simply offer

to aid her in this world

and support her resurrection

of that brave little girl


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